Israel, My Conflated Heart

I was at an iconic (favorite word alert) Brooklyn pizza shop with a friend. A woman who I had last met at the Tisha B'av break-the-fast at the kotel walked in. I flagged her down to say how do you do but really to inquire if she had made any headway on her Aliyah dreams.

"Are you going?"

"I need to sort out a job and a place to live. Honestly, I don't want to go right now though I know I should go now to feel solidarity."

I was astonished.

In my delusional mind Israel is the safest place on earth. It is home.
Maybe not my current home. But a home like the parents' or grandparents' home where you are enveloped by coziness and warmth.
Homes are havens. The place where we can be ourselves.
I never realized terror could destroy the ambience of our dwelling to this extent.
Never before, not even during the intifada and the bus bombings, were the streets this emptied.
It is horrific. My heart breaks. Dear G-d, what is going on?

This is an ode to a land that enlivens me. To support Israel, I can attempt to express my esoteric love for the place, that may only be understood by those who have also meandered the land and drank from its spirit.

I had a golden summer. I traveled in Europe for three weeks and then lived in Israel for five glorious weeks. For the first time, I was in Israel to meander the land and not an a whirlwind tour. All travel enlightens you. Opens your minds to different ideas about living. Israel, due to its Jewish diversity allows people to explore the many paths to one of the most vital relationships you'll ever have: your relationship with G-d and thereby uncover yourself themselves. This makes Israel different than any other place. You can discover in Israel what no other country has to offer.

You go to Europe to find yourself. You go to Israel to finesse your relationship with G-d. In Israel, you search for a conduit for your life source. One has to tread these waters carefully.

I met my Birthright guide and her fiancé for dinner one day. I inquired about the Jewish demographic of the area and discovered the various stratas of reform or conservative don't exist in Israel.  Someone is either Dati, keeps halacha, or not.  Which rabbi or halachic standard they follow differs but all our Jewish.

On a bus, I emailed my mom:

"I just left the tomb of Rochel, our mother.  There were women with turbans, others with outfits that almost made them look too covered,  Williamsburg style and more.  But we are all Jewish.  Everyone sitting on this bus. Common ancestry,  common Torah, common beliefs.

I adore this land where I can say Shabbat shalom to the bus driver,  play Jewish geography with nearly anyone and eat at a diner at the central bus station.  I cannot do this with such ease anywhere else in the world."

My mom responded:

"You can see how after spending two years in seminary, right afterwards, I really wanted to live there."

However, it is not all starbursts and marble halls. I met a man who had moved to Israel from Chicago, where, though he was not religious, he would attend the modern orthodox synagogue to see friends and to be involved in Jewish life. Since making Aliyah, he does need to make an effort to feel Jewish as just living in the Holy Land and seeing people dressed up in costume on Purim does that for him. I asked him where G-d was in what he described.  He said I touched upon a discerning point. He has not yet found his pathway to consciously connect to G-d though he moved to the Holy Land and had previously attended an American shul.

This scenario plays out on so many levels in Israel. Everything goes. We are all Jewish. And it's beautiful and uplifting and psychedelic but it is also abstract. I can feel Jewish, spiritual, connections. I got caught up in the rush of Judaism without checking in with G-d. My (halachic) boundaries that construct my relationship with G-d in a way of active awareness. That it is not just about the enchantment of our majestic lifestyle but more than that. (Disclaimer: this is about me finding my path which is not to say other paths aren't valid).

Being in Israel, I had to remind myself that I believe in halacha because it can be easy not to on Ben Yehuda. I believe there is a place where one's intrinsic person must be refined within the glow with Hashem's desires and will.  This is not via conforming on matters that are not halacha but living within the palace of Jewish law and using it to decorate your life.

Thus is the uniqueness of Israel, defining the grey areas for you. All paths of serving G-d are valid. However, for me, keeping that extra standard is what makes a chossid (pious person) as defined in the Path of Our Fathers. Not just doing whatever was floating everyone else's boat but holding steadfast and reaffirming or discovering what my mojo is without losing sight of who I am or the best person me I could be. Actually keeping halacha though it is easy to feel kosher without law and order.
 
It was Israel's gift to me that I got to hash this out over the summer and have clarity over the life I want to live. It can be Israel's gift to you too.