I tend to play by the rules. I cannot recall ever sneaking into a venue. I never did movies back to back at theatres or snuck into concerts.
I have many recollections of sneaking out though. Mostly from school lectures, davenning period and mandatory school events. This weekend may have been the first time I snuck into something.
Chabad does so many beautiful things I long to contribute to. I have this need to do my part in some way or maybe to feel connected. Maybe it is not a need as much as my mother's voice in my head stating "all tamin atmicha min hakal" which translates to not separating oneself from the group. Except if all your friends are jumping off the roof. In that case you probably should not cave in to peer pressure. Vague idioms can be hard to execute.
Yes, I know I could technically message one of these organizations asking to volunteer but that felt too awkward as I don't actually know anyone (note to self: buy a billboard to become known or become more outgoing and play up to the Chabad bureaucracy). Perhaps my ego is too big to handle the risk of rejection and I really need to work on my bitul. Basically, I was not going to cold call Chabad.
Hashgacha protis, I recalled a friend mentioning that she volunteers annually at the Chabad on Campus as her friend is on the team. I risked vulnerability, and told her I wanted to be partake in "it" (Chabad shlichus movement? what is the it?). She was considering volunteering again and said she would love to volunteer with a buddy. Struck gold!
Friday afternoon consisted of me checking people in on a laptop and handing them information packets and wrist bands for entry to the Saturday night Mega Event (the words mega event must be capitalized to indicate the importance to this story. Now that you have duly noted the capitalization we may proceed).
Volunteering is really not at all glamorous but as my dream job would be a well paid greeter (seriously, I love welcoming people and making them feel comfortable), I had fun. I wish Walmart paid better cuz I would have a stellar career there.
Shabbat evening, after dinner at their hosts' homes, Chabad on campus participants come to the hall and choose sessions to participate in. My task was to assist the three bouncers with looking through a booklet of hundreds of names and ensure only those on this exclusive list came in.
So the question that should be on your mind is, why would there be a list? Why would someone not on the list want to come in and sit in on lectures? It's Friday night, your bed is calling.
Karmen, the Mulsim bouncer could not figure it out. He also was shocked that there were rabbis trying to get into this event- they should know better. Except, some were probably not rabbis but yeshivas students with beards, hats and jackets. Rabbis in this town is kind of a loose term- but that is a whole different topic.
So a guy/kid-person comes up and he's not on the list. He mentions his name and it sounds familiar as a Crown Heights name but that is irrelevant as he isn't on the list. So I refer him to the woman in charge, who is really a girl in her mid-twenties but it's time to acknowledge the woman in people my age. She turns him away. He gives a sheepish, disappointed grimace kind of smile and leaves.
The story is repeated by a dapper rabbi dressed in a blue suit. "I chaperoned a mayanot group and want to take a few people inside and meet up with a few people from the group." But he isn't on the list. He tells a bouncer he wants to speak to the person who made the rule. He challenges the woman in charge, who happens to be 5'2", but she stands her ground.
Another group of three girls, one who shares the name of the first offender, ask to be let in. They are, or claim they are, meeting a friend. The girl in charge allows them to wait in the foyer but tells the bouncer to keep an eye on them so they don't go in. Thus it continued.
"You're really not going to let me in?"
"What's the big deal? C'mon"
It was in these moments of rejection that something stuck me. This was the pedagogy for those who are not cookie cutter chassidish.
I speak from firsthand experience. Our schools do not, perhaps cannot, offer safe spaces for students to ask questions about topics that are sensitive. Even if schools did offer a safe space if they could, some students wouldn't feel comfortable asking the questions on their minds. Additionally, some students, aka me!, would not feel comfortable asking questions around certain classmates and teachers. Feelings of judgment would abound as high school wasn't a safe space to ask questions about belief in G-d, forget about intimacy.
In high school historia class, a classmate asked incredulously, "but how is that possible" in learning that Yoshke's mom gave birth to him without being married. When I was a kid, my mom told me two people get married and then Hashem gives them a baby in the mommy's tummy. I grew out of that Occam's razor style explanation before high school though I did not have the technicalities figured out. This girl obviously had not (I'm sure she's figured it out since then being she is a mom). Perhaps it for this blessed naiveté that are school is unable to cater to each student. There is too broad a spectrum of students.
Fortune smiled on me and I was blessed with an incredibly wise mom who sent me to an Uncamp weekend. Where, for the first time, I heard a Chassidic rabbi talk about relationships and who also put me straight on my previous, extensive mis-education from friends, books and movies. It helped to know there were answers to questions on faith, belief. Faith was a big topic that weekend as it was the day after the terror attacks in Mumbai. Though I was hesitate about discussing these topics, being with people who were able to ask questions freely answered a lot of my questions.
The reason this event and Uncamp are so significant is that they provide a safe space to address questions that cannot be asked in a typical Chassidic classroom. An added benefit of Uncamp is that it is marketed for non-religious girls so that participants aren't solely surrounded by peers. It creates an atmosphere of security. This is the allure of the Chabad on Campus event.
Beyond that, there is the marketing element.
I met a woman at Chabad on Campus and I asked her what her job title. Turns out, she did the marketing and branding for Chabad on Campus. Therein is the allure for these events. Chassidus taught at Chabad schools is raw and organic. It can also be incomprehensible to apply to modern life. These events aimed at those not raised with Chassidic thought are like clear cut Tedtalks and I love Tedtalks.
My friend became frum later in life and we talked about the differences in our religious education. For me, a lot of what I learnt is a mush of TaNaCh and chassidus. Whereas she comes to Judaism from a Chassidic viewpoint. She wasn't initiated into Jewish studies with history or halacha but chassidus. She is able to elucidate chassidus in a practical sense. This is not to say this is a societal phenomena, it can just be me :)
However, the clear approach she has of starting at letter A and then progressing is something I am a tad envious of (yes, yes. I know I can get there with some work. that really isn't the point). It takes learning about the functions of chachma, bina and daat and applying them to neuroscience to show with clear, relatable modern terminology what chassidus says about the process of thought. It is understanding the dating of the universe through kaballah and physics.
Putting chassidus in context to better understand chassidus. It's also way more informative than a typical class because, quite frankly, lots of educators don't have the best credentials. "Dinosaur fossils were placed to make the world look old" is not something I could go outside and say to college classmates. Rabbi Crispe, who gave a brilliant lecture at Chabad on Campus said as much before launching into a brilliant lecture on the dating of the world drawing on chassidus and physics. (Side note I can't wait to delve into his website).
Oh for secure learning environment and explicate lessons. So basic.
Why does Chabad on Campus have a policy of shrugging at the door and saying: it is really great they want to get in but "it's not for them"?
Where are the programs for them? Yes, somebody qualified should start a program (wish I were qualified) but in the meantime could the few willing to risk rejection be allowed in? A joint program
I told this to a friend who said that even having a few people attend who have had a Chassidic education changes the tone of the weekend which is true. However, a lot of the sessions were Jewish pride focuses. Anyone can appreciate a talk on standing up to the BDS movement or an army chaplain talk about army life.
I got lucky. I volunteered, buddied up the bouncers (or rather my friend did) and was able to sit in on lectures Shabbos day. Then came the Mega Event. I did not have a wristband and even volunteers needed a wristband for this event. I did not have a particular interest in participating. I really had just wanted to drink the waters of clear, sweet chassidus.
My friend, who is an adventurer in action whereas I am one of imagination, wanted to know when I would ever have an in like this again. That got me because I have a policy to try things at least once (which is how I ended up on an army base in Israel but that's another story).
We approached the doors of the hall. I was full of trepidation. I was ridiculously petrified of receiving the same rejection I had meted out earlier to the brave souls who were willing to try. *To protect those who helped us gain entry, this part of the story is edited.
The concert was a blast though I was really nervous about getting kicked out the whole time.
Anxiety strikes again. Still, I was bemused that I snuck in for this concert. And why was everyone else here who came by more legitimate means but really had no place here? Such as my friend who used to work for a campus related organization but whose old boss scored her a wristband. What was she doing here?
The concert was over and my friend and I were discovered and put to work (which I was grateful for cuz my Jewish guilt was in overdrive). I was ready to head out when someone said there was a farbrengen and I thought that might be something to check out.
I was disappointed. The rabbi was taking a comedic position and roasting the crowd. Roasting is my social awkwardness nightmare. It never ends well for me and though I knew I would not be picked on, my anxiety for everyone else on the planet was skyrocketing.
Then the rabbi launches into a shpiel about how annoying college students are. "My wife has gone out to run an errand. I'm watching seven kids. I'm supposed to be watching eight but can't find one. Put the pasta to boil, start looking for the missing child, absentmindedly say yes to a child to have a play date, immediately take that back and enlist his help in finding his sister. In the meantime there's mayhem because someone took someone's toy and finally the child is found. Then, in the middle of all this, a college student calls.
""I hope I'm not bothering you Rabbi but would be able to answer a few questions for my paper. It's due tomorrow."
"Sure, sure. I have to clean the spaghetti off the walls but sure, sure.""
"However, that phone call is what we are here for. Sometimes, you call for a mezuzah on your door. So my wife, who has just asked me to buy a much needed item for Shabbat dinner for you all, tells me to drop it in order to go to you. Your seemingly college inquiries and requests, even at our children's bedtime, is the reason we are on campus with you."
At this point the Rabbi is at last serious.
"Why are you here?" He asks some students.
"I'll tell you why you came to Crown Heights which is a place you never heard of. It's not because your rabbi is kind of cool or smart, or that it is a trip to NYC- it's to be in the place of the Rebbe."
At this point I do not recall what he said but I recall what I needed to know. The answer to my question.
Why was I there? Why do I want to be involved in something? Why am I so eager to be part of this event?
Rebbe.
